How To Stay Sexually Faithful With Your Current Lover For The Rest Of Your Life – And Really Enjoy It!
It’s a truism that we tend to enter into relationships with people who resemble, at the least in some way, our opposite sex parent.
The sad thing about this phenomenon is that we are trying, albeit unconsciously, to resolve the emotional conflicts, the unspoken and unmet needs, and, worst of all, the unexpressed emotions that arose between us and our parents – but we are trying to do it with our partners, who should be relating to us as fully sexual beings, as equal adults, not as substitute mothers or fathers!
We all fall into these roles unconsciously: our partners evoke in us memories of childhood, as well as the intense emotions which went along with our relationships with our parents and siblings.
And of course, we evoke the same things in them, and before you know it, you’re back in a child-parent type relationship – arguing, whining, wheedling, being sullen, and who knows what else – but definitely not being sexual!
It’s this unfortunate resemblance between some aspects of our partner and our opposite sex parent (a phenomenon called transference) that can make the idea of an affair – a sexual affair with a stranger who does not carry this transference – seem so attractive.
(Of course there are many other reasons men and women have affairs, such as the excitement and the thrill of illicit sex – which we will look at later.)
It is always surprising to me how many couples marry or settle down because they call themselves soul mates, or best friends, only to find that sexual attraction dies very quickly after the relationship is established.
And yet it is a commonplace that good friends do not have sex with each other. They are friends because they share interests and possibly a similar outlook and attitude; they do not feel passionate towards each other.
This isn’t always true of course. But many men see a long-term relationship as the only place in which sex should happen.
And so, for a while, it does – but eventually it stops, the victim of powerplay such as we described above, or lack of time – or at least, a supposed lack of time – or the children’s demands, or family commitments, or long-term familiarity with one’s partner, or one of a thousand other “reasons”.
Skills for successful relationships
Often the couples who break up are the ones which provoked the question “What on earth brought them together?” They are the relationships marked by an obvious imbalance between the partners: perhaps a naive (young) woman with an older man who can play at being her daddy, or a naive young man with a more sophisticated woman who can “mother” him.
No wonder these relationships fail! No-one wants to marry their mother; no-one wants to marry their father! (Well, we may, as children, want to marry our mother or father, but we never have raunchy sex with them!)
This website is not specifically about the power within relationships that leads people to choose a mate who resembles their opposite sex parent.
Even so, if you feel like these are elements of your relationship, there are powerful and effective ways of removing the transferential image of your mother from your female partner if you are a man, and removing the transferential image of your father from your male partner if you are a woman.
We shall look at these in a later section.
By the way, it’s worth remembering before you blame your partner for being too much like your mother/father, that it is almost always both partners who fall unconsciously into the roles of parent/child.
If you’re a man who likes your partner to iron your shirts and put your socks away, you may like it less when she tells you to take off your shoes and wipe your feet before you come in, and starts correcting your behavior when you’re with friends, or reminds you to make sure you have your gloves and wrap up well when it’s cold weather.
If any of that makes you feel less of a man, then perhaps it’s no surprise that your erection falters when you get into bed with her.
If you’re a woman and you flutter your eyelashes at your husband or partner to get him to help you out because “I’m just a girl”, it may be no surprise that when you get into bed your sexual feelings towards your daddy have disappeared.
Even now there is a pernicious belief that men have to lead and to be the boss in sex and relationships – especially marriage.
You might think that after generations of campaigning by feminists for sexual equality these prejudices would have diminished. Unfortunately, it seems little has changed, at least in some areas of society.
Wherever you look there are families and relationships where the man still behaves like a tyrant ruling over his family with an iron fist of control. In the process he turns off sexual desire in his partner.
Power plays and imbalances of power which may at first seem attractive can become a distinct turn-off and kill the desire for sex in any relationship.
Like many people of a certain age, you may have lived through a time of great sexual experimentation.
Perhaps you had many different partners before you settled down; perhaps you tried sex in all kinds of illicit places.
But whatever your sex life was like, you may have found the excitement of these experiences contrasts markedly with the level of excitement you feel in your current relationship!
Maybe you feel that the exotic stuff is just “not right” with your lifelong partner?
Once again, this reflects how faulty beliefs about sex can interfere with your current sex life.
Does Your Attachment style affect The Basis Of Your Sexual Relationship?
We all carry hundreds or thousands of beliefs around with us, beliefs which we never consciously question, but which have the power to stop us enjoying exciting sex.
For example, do you think, at some level, that thrilling sex can only happen outside marriage?
This reflects the fact that men are brought up to believe “you marry a saint but you have great sex with a whore” (or a mistress).
For women the taboos and expectations of society have always been different. Women have been subjected to the beliefs that men should lead and women should follow in sex; that a man should know what to do to take a woman to orgasm; that a woman should be a virgin before marriage; and so on……
In general, women have not been encouraged to explore their own bodies or to get a sense of their own sexuality which would enable them to enjoy sex in general, and orgasms in particular, easily and freely.
And while none of these beliefs, these faulty beliefs, apply to all individuals, what is certain is that they can, and do, taint our sex lives for the worse.
For women in particular sexual experimentation may be challenging. In the face of such unequal expectations between men and women, how can women learn to be sexual?
How are they to translate those beliefs and prejudices, and the sexual experience – or lack of it – which flows from them, into great sex into a long-term relationship, especially if their partner lacks knowledge or confidence?
And women do like sex. They may very often be inhibited about asking for things: oral sex being a good example, and masturbation being another.
We will look later on at how many women find mutual masturbation or oral sex more satisfying than intercourse, but the point that I want to make now is simply that expectations about each other’s sexual behavior which are based on social taboos, prejudices and double standards will not help to maintain a healthy and exciting sexual life inside a long-term relationship.
Let me ask you a question. How do you see sex?
Do you see it as a task which you have to complete efficiently, or do you see sex as a joyous, relaxed, uninhibited process that may take five minutes or five hours?
I have no doubt that your answer to this question will reveal in some way how exciting and fulfilling sex was/is for you, and how long it will remain an important part of your relationship.
Those men who see sex as an orderly task to be completed efficiently bring a degree of precision to lovemaking which turns off their partners rather quickly.
For example, they may know which bits to touch, which “buttons” to press, and how to bring a woman to orgasm quickly and effectively. They may know for how long they can thrust before they ejaculate.
They may know exactly how they want to “enjoy” sex. But in such a performance-oriented view of sex, intimacy and real connection between the partners is missing.
Women who have partners with this approach to sex may very quickly be turned off, and come to resent sex, feeling that it is a duty, and seeing it as a job like putting out the rubbish – one best performed as quickly and efficiently as possible to get it over and done with.
Their male partners, meanwhile, are so wrapped up in whether they are doing it right or not that they don’t even notice their partners’ dissatisfaction.
And many men still hold to the belief that they have to be the leader during sex.
Even though almost all these men enjoy giving up the position of initiator and director, they find it hard to do so.
When encouraged to relax and to take pleasure, with their wife or partner as the active instigator of sex, perhaps even the “sexual aggressor”, they can get turned-on to a degree they’d never have suspected possible.
For as long as they don’t get this chance, or refuse to take it, their partners are deprived of sexual pleasure and the opportunity to express their sexuality as the dominant partner.
I have seen couples who have struggled with such power dynamics for ten or more years before the issue has finally come to a head, and usually only then because the woman has finally taken matters into her own hands and taken the lead during sex.
Often, the consequence of this is so dramatic – in terms of the man feeling threatened, rejected, or anxious – that sex stops altogether.
Changes in the balance of power can indeed be too much for some men and women to take!
I suppose that it is possible to come up with as many reasons why sex diminishes in importance and frequency in a relationship as there are sexless couples in relationships!
As you read through the reasons why sex disappears from a relationship, and resentment grows in its place, you may find things that resonate with your own situation.