A Program For Great Sex Between Life Long Lovers
Exercises To Improve and Sustain Your Sex Life
What next? On this page are a number of specific suggestions which you can use to deal with different situations that may crop up in your relationship. These are additional to the sensate focus exercises and the emotional expressions exercises, which you ideally will incorporate into your sex life on an ongoing basis.
Of course, it can be fun to try these anyway, even if they are not the prescription for your particular issue!
Take your pick from whatever seems most suitable.....
Balancing Sexual Demands (When a couple's sexual needs become unbalanced)
One problem that couples sometimes have is when sexual demands become unequal. For example, it is not uncommon in midlife for men to find that their sexual desire decreases, while their partner's may increase.
This can certainly produce tension between the couple, particularly if they do not discuss these changes. When a man is having difficulty expressing himself sexually because of some insecurity that results from his partner's higher libido, it's useful to try the following exercise:
You agree that for a month, whenever the woman wants sex, the man must provide it. The catch is that he can satisfy her in whatever way he chooses: through masturbation, oral sex, or intercourse.
And he can do it however he chooses: he can be lazy, laying on his back and masturbating her with one finger as he watches TV, he can be active, he can use a vibrator ... whatever.
The interesting thing about this is that after a week or so, the woman's sexual demands have usually tapered off to a level that the man is more than happy to accommodate and his interest has been rekindled.
After all, sex often seems more desirable when it is scarce! It's also a truism, but it seems much more desirable when it is long lasting, too! This means establishing good ejaculatory control for the man and ensuring that he lasts a lot longer in bed before he reaches the point of ejaculatory inevitability.
Of course, this can work the other way round too: the man may complain he isn't getting enough sex, in which case his partner commits to giving him all he wants - and though this may mean you make love once or twice a day in the first week, by the end of three weeks, things have usually settled down to a level that you both find enjoyable (that may mean, for example, once or twice a week).
The Woman Plays The Assertive Sexual Role (Allowing her to express her sexual anger / energy)
If you're a woman who feels exploited or used by the demands made on you by your partner, and yet at the same time you feel you want to enjoy sex with him to the full, you're quite likely to be harbouring some level of anger or resentment which needs to be expressed. One way to do this is to take charge during the act of lovemaking.
You can make powerful feminine movements during lovemaking (so that, for example, you match your man's movements as he thrusts), or you can get him on his back on the bed, climb onto him and enjoy a powerful and energised session of woman on top lovemaking, letting the movements of your body express your energy, or your anger, as the case may be.
You don't always have to lie there and take it!
Putting On A Condom Can Be Fun (And so can inserting a diaphragm!)
I have received e-mails from men who lose their erection when they put on a condom, and from women who say that putting in a diaphragm is a definite turnoff in the middle of sex.
And it's true that putting in diaphragm in the middle of sex can look like a messy and inconvenient thing to have to do: but that's true only if you do it the wrong way.
The best way to use contraception is to make it an essential part of your foreplay, not to try and avoid the fact that you both know it's happening!
So diaphragm or condom should be near the bed, easily available when they're needed: after foreplay has begun but before penetration has started! The best way to deal with these matters is to be open and completely frank about them.
So, if you're a woman who has to put a diaphragm in, you take it out of its case in full view of your partner and lubricate it; then you can put it in together. You can even play with it, sliding it in and out as many times you like!
A condom can be rolled onto the man's erect penis by the man himself as he teases his partner with the thought of what is to come (for example, he can stand erect and proud as he rolls the condom onto his cock by the bedside as his partner lies there expectantly anticipating his erect penis sliding into her)!
In this way, contraception does not become an embarrassing break in the flow of sex, but an erotic moment shared with your partner. Doing this also reminds you that sex is fun, and not necessarily about making babies -- which, as we discussed earlier on the website, is something that many of us overlook, and may well inhibit us from fully enjoying sex.
Another thing that a condom can be useful for is preventing a man from ejaculating quite so quickly.
Ring The Changes And Enjoy Sex More (How to enjoy more female orgasms!)
You may or may not be aware that very few women reach orgasm through vaginal intercourse. Estimates vary but certainly no more than 15 or 20% of women come this way -- and the real number is probably much fewer.
And generally it only happens when a woman's partner is an extremely long-lasting lover with a huge amount of self-control who can continue thrusting for extended periods of time. As you can imagine, this means that most of the women in the world (and their partners) will never experience vaginal orgasm or simultaneous orgasm during intercourse.
Another interesting fact is that a lot of women would actually prefer other forms of sexual activity to intercourse -- mostly oral sex and mutual masturbation.
And yet some couples find themselves in a rut when it comes to sex: foreplay, perfunctory or otherwise, penetration, thrusting, ejaculation, brief cuddles, then roll over and go to sleep! It's not a recipe for a successful sex life, and certainly provides little real fulfilment.
Exciting sex depends on you being able to trust your partner enough to be able to ask for new activities during sex and being confident enough to expect that your partner will agree to try them.
Of course, it may not be easy to ask for these things if you're middle-aged and in a long-term relationship. If you've been monogamous for a while now, you'll almost certainly have fallen into certain sexual patterns which are perhaps now boring, or at least less satisfying than you'd like.
The way to overcome this particular sexual difficulty is to do two things: one, ask your partner to try something new; and two, get in there and try it! I completely accept you may be wondering how to get started on this: so I've included a whole section on sexual techniques and positions, with advice that should cover every possibility.
Get together with your partner, enjoy looking at some of the pictures, giggle together about the possibility of trying some new positions, and then get into the bedroom and see what happens!
Look Out For The Big O (How to get her to orgasm!)
And of course if you're a woman who has trouble getting to orgasm in the first place then you might want a basic course on how to do this...... so we've included all the information you could ever wish for.
This isn't just for men who want to help their partner to reach orgasm: it's a complete course in itself, which ensures that both man and woman enjoy orgasms when you have sex. Click here for full details!
Take Your Own Pleasure (Sex is for you!)
It's all too easy to become wrapped up in a situation where you think that your partner's pleasure is the most important objective of sex.
Many men are prone to believe that sex is all about their ability to satisfy their partner, and they become obsessed with giving her an orgasm. Well, of course the truth is slightly different: no one can give another person an orgasm -- they can only encourage them to reach orgasm by stimulating them in ways that impact on their sexual nervous system!
It's vitally important to know that good health is dependent on you taking responsibility for your well-being - and that includes what you do sexually. Dealing with things that can lead to erectile dysfunction, for example, is vital to the quality of your erections. So if you have either high blood pressure, or high cholesterol, please get them checked out.
Sex is not just about satisfying your partner. There is a school of thought that says when you set out to obtain the maximum pleasure yourself -- in other words, to be selfish, to stop putting performance pressure on yourself -- then suddenly sex becomes much more enjoyable and relaxed.
The most important thing is that many of the men who put performance pressure on themselves, by desiring above all else to satisfy their woman by giving her an orgasm, become focused on goal, time and technique rather than sensual pleasure. This means there is no relaxed expectation of mutual satisfaction.
If you're obsessed with performance -- as measured by the screams of your partner -- you can't possibly be focusing on your own pleasure. That means you're cut off from your own feelings, which in turn means that you're not getting the sexual stimulation you might need to enjoy yourself.
Two things tend to happen to men with this degree of performance pressure: they either develop retarded ejaculation or they become dispassionate, mechanical lovers obsessed with sexual technique.
The quickest way to overcome performance pressure is to stop thinking about your partner's pleasure and start thinking about your own.
And this applies to women as well. Those who are too concerned about their man's pleasure (which tends to be measured by such things as her success in faking an orgasm so that he ends up thinking he's such a great lover) can change their pattern by having what I'd call "impersonal" sex for a while. In other words, forget about establishing intimacy and just enjoy sex for its own sake.
Make a bargain with your partner that you will have sex, and you will think only of your own pleasure -- then see what happens!
Once your sex life has got some selfish, sensuous pleasure stoked up once again, you can re-establish intimacy by using the other exercises - in particular, the sensate focus exercises.