More Faulty Beliefs That Can Seriously Mess Up Your Sex Life
You can change someone if you try hard enough.
I think women are particularly prone to this myth, and indeed many relationships have foundered upon the woman’s belief that once she “got” her man she could change him.
Unfortunately many’s the woman who’s been extremely disappointed to find that nothing of the sort of actually happens.
One of the signs of real psychological maturity is being able to accept your partner as they are, regardless of who and what they are.
You can’t fix or change someone else. You can only fix or change yourself, through a process of gradual growth and development.
You can’t make your partner be, or do, who or what you want. You have no right to expect them to meet your needs, either: that isn’t what they’re in the relationship for. If it happens, fantastic. If it doesn’t, so be it.
None of this means that you have to like what’s happening, and none of this means that you can’t explain how you feel about it all.
What it actually means is that by letting our partners be who they are, in every way, and by accepting that, you will experience true intimacy because you’ve let go of the expectations and demands which get in the way of emotional connection when you want somebody to be something they aren’t or don’t want to be.
Getting annoyed, distressed, or angry because of how they don’t suit you – sexually or in any other way – (and note, please, that sexual disparity is one of the biggest causes of friction in relationships, and nothing can potentially disrupt a relationship faster than sexual dysfunction like premature ejaculation or delayed ejaculation or erectile dysfunction) – means you aren’t going to experience intimacy with that person.
And nothing tends to make a person withhold what you want faster than a demand for it. For example, the quickest way to push somebody away may be to demand emotional closeness.
The best sex is with a soul mate.
Well, it depends what you mean by soul mate. We’ve probably all had good friends of the opposite sex we would never have wanted to get into bed with.
Or maybe you’ve had a friend with whom you have had sex, but afterwards you mutually agreed, perhaps even without mentioning the subject to each other, never to do it again.
And the reason for this is that best friends do not generally have sex. Where closeness is important to a person, in particular if they came from a close family, it may be really important to keep sex and friendship separate.
If they get too mixed up, sex may die very quickly (it’s like having sex with a close family member). Actually, many things contribute to good sex, most of them about your personality and your capacity to be intimate with your partner.
You should never be selfish during sex!
But if you are not going to be selfish during sex, how will you know when you have achieved the greatest pleasure?
Not being selfish implies focusing on your partner, and by doing that you deprive yourself of the awareness of your own sexual fulfilment.
Not only that, but if you’re a man focusing on your relationship partner rather than yourself you probably also deprive yourself of the awareness of the level of sexual arousal you have reached, which means you deprive yourself of the awareness you need to control your ejaculation.
One answer to this is to focus entirely on your own sexual pleasure for a while; not permanently — just for a while until you establish what it is that you want from sex, and what you actually feel during sex. Only by doing this will you be able to communicate your wishes and needs and desires to your partner.
So why would you not be selfish during sex from time to time? I am not suggesting that grabbing what you want and making off with it (metaphorically speaking) is a good thing: I’m just saying that sometimes it may be helpful to get what you want without thought of your partner’s needs.
However, that is no excuse for not treating premature ejaculation. Neither is an excuse for avoiding sex altogether, whether by means of developing erectile dysfunction, avoiding sex by avoiding any situation which might become sexual with your partner, or by creating arguments within the relationship. It is also possible, in my view, based on 12 years’ work as a sexual therapist, that conditions like premature ejaculation can be a way of avoiding sex.
One of the exercises which we cover later allows one partner at a time to be the focus of the whole attention of the other, in other words to selfishly take without having to give.
This exercise is often a revelation to people, because it puts them back in touch with their most basic sexual needs and their own sensuality, teaching them what their body can do during sex to make them feel good.
Paradoxically, it’s only by being selfish that you can be a generous lover, because it’s only by being selfish that you can really establish what sex means you.
You’ve got to keep up with a certain standard
Whether that average is the number of times you have sex each week, or the size of your breasts, or the size of your penis, or the amount you ejaculate, or the number of orgasms you have every time you make love.
But the problem is that an average means half the population will be doing it more often, or be bigger, and the other half of the population will be doing it less often, or be smaller. And in some cases they’ll be very much less or more than the average.
So what does it mean if you learn that the average couple is having sex twice a week at age 35?
Suppose you are 35 and your sexual drive means that you want sex once a month? Is it appropriate to be looking at the average and believing that you should keep up with it?
If your sexual life is fulfilling, and you’re doing everything that you want, and you’re having a good time, the answer is clearly no.
Similarly if you want sex twice a day, every day, is it appropriate to look at the average? Of course not. The only average that matters is your average, not what everybody else is doing (or says they’re doing — because actually most people lie about sex and you can’t believe much of what you hear).
In addition, don’t forget that there is inevitably a diminution of sexual interest with age. You cannot expect to have the same sexual responses at 50 that you had at 40, 30 or 20 years of age.
Erectile dysfunction may strike at any age, and its consequences can be devastating, both in terms of the relationship and the sexual elements within it.
Everyone else is having better sex than you are.
This is partly a product of our culture where bonking “celebrities” feature in the newspapers and on television (except possibly in America where prurience does not seem to be a virtue it is in the rest of the Western world), and magazines offer free advice on how to pleasure your man (or make him fall in love with you – read more about that here), pleasure your woman, have multiple orgasms every time you have sex, and equally ridiculous and unachievable objectives.
There’s no point being envious of what you think other people are doing.
For one thing, even if they are doing it, it’s their experience, not yours, and has no relevance to you. Ignoring how satisfying or fulfilling your own relationship / sex life is, by distracting yourself with thoughts of how happy, fulfilled, sexually active, or potent other couples might or might not be is taking the focus off your relationship and making it less likely that you will achieve sexual fulfilment and more intimacy.
These things tend to come from a monogamous long term relationship where two people have achieved real intimacy and emotional understanding.