Overcoming Common Sexual Problems

There are a number of common problems experienced by many couples. These common problems can be overcome, and indeed with a bit of effort needn't be any kind of barrier to intimacy and faithfulness. Even so they can get in the way of good sex. We deal with them here, so that in the next section of the website we can go talk about how to have exciting, stimulating, care-free and, above all, orgasmic sex in a long term relationship.

1 Unequal desire

Many people see unequal levels of sexual desire in a monogamous relationship as a major problem. How, you may wonder, can you stay faithful when there is such a disparity in sex drive, except perhaps by shutting off your own sexual vitality. However, almost every couple have mismatched desire, with either the man or the woman wanting sex more often their partner. Yet when you think about it, this ought not to be a problem since sex is such a pleasurable activity! Why would there be a problem engaging in a pleasurable activity? The answer probably lies in the fact that sex seems like too much trouble for the person who has the lower sex drive. And yet, when couples start to make love, even with a lack of interest in the initial stages, what they almost invariably find is that the very act of engaging in sex with their long term partner is sufficient for them to become sexually aroused, engage fully in lovemaking, and enjoy it regardless of who initially wanted to have sex. So rather than look for long-winded solutions to this problem, the answer may be very simple indeed: simply make a deal with your partner. What does that deal look like? Anything that satisfies both partners! For example, if it is the man who has a higher need for sex within the relationship, his partner might agree to a more intercourse if he agrees to pleasure her with extended foreplay before penetration. Alternatively, she might agree to have sex more often if the couple take a romantic weekend away once a month. The point is this: everything is up for grabs, and for a couple who can communicate effectively and state their wishes clearly, there need be no problem in coming to an arrangement which allows both partners to get what they want with dignity and respect for the other.

2 Undoing bonding patterns

What is a bonding pattern? It's essentially the way that a couple relate to each other. In terms of the well-known and popular theory of transactional analysis (TA), a bonding pattern might be seen in exchanges ("transactions") between the two members of a couple which look more like the exchanges between a parent and child. In TA terms this would be regarded as a parent-child transaction. Of course, there are plenty of occasions when it's appropriate for a couple to relate to each other in ways that are reminiscent of a mother or father relating to a child: we all need comfort and reassurance occasionally. Problems start when two people become locked into a fixed and inappropriate way of relating. For one thing, parents do not have sex with their children, so the more like a parent your partner behaves, the less you will want to have sex with them. Even on a practical level, who would wish to have sex with somebody who was bossing them around like a parent treating a wayward child?

Any man will get tired of being a naive woman's "daddy", cheering her up and reassuring her, in the face of her anxiety and self-doubt. And any man who walks through the door at the end of a hard day at work to be greeted by a barrage of instructions that would be more appropriate between a mother and child will rapidly get turned off. These things are not appropriate in any sexual relationship, let alone a long term one. Any woman who is treated like a child by an overbearing and arrogant partner isn't going to feel much attraction to him sexually. And so on. You can probably identify within your own relationship the transactions between you and your partner (this simply means the things you say and the way you act) that can lead to the crossed parent-child transactions, the inappropriate responses, and inevitably the unhelpful emotional reactions.

But whatever you call these inappropriate transactions between two members of the couple, whether you call them bonding patterns or parent-child transactions, they get in the way of a real relationship as adult equals, and they destroy your sex life. In order to consistently treat each other both physically and psychologically as adults, there needs to be a process of undoing these unhelpful bonding patterns. We shall see how this can be done in the next section.

3 Undoing parental transference

Bonding patterns are all about parental transference. This isn't psychobabble, it is simply common sense. Of course no adult likes to be treated like a child, and whenever this happens within a relationship trouble starts. But it's all too easy for us to fall back into the roles of mother and father to our partners, prompted very often by their behaviour which reminds us of those incredibly powerful and long-lasting roles that we learnt during our family upbringing.

So how, then, do we get ourselves out of the place where we see our wife as our mother and our husband as our father? (By the way, these bonding patterns apply to unmarried couples and couples living together just as much as they do to married couples.) Well, first of all, you do not have to completely abandon these roles, for there are places within a relationship where they are entirely appropriate - when you are comforting or advising your partner, or when they feel vulnerable or ill, for example. Nonetheless, mature or and adult men and women must learn to make the transition from parental roles to adult roles, and they must do this with a sense of their own power and emotional maturity. When a couple are interacting in a way that both of them feel might be more appropriate to the interaction between child and parent, it's possible for one or both of them to intervene using their adult mature personality. What this might mean in practice depends on the circumstances. If, for example, a man arrives home after a hard day at work and wants to be comforted by his partner, then, yes of course she can do this -- but she may choose to do it for a limited time using her adult discretion to decide when it would be appropriate to shift the emotional states by saying something like "and now you can hear about my day."

A great place to start undoing parental transference is with simple physical affection -- the sensuous feeling of skin to skin. It's a constant amazement to me how simple bodily contact, that is to say, naked bodily contact, can get us beyond the emotional blocks and neuroses that affect our interactions in everyday life. Since naked skin to skin contact is a powerful sexual signal, it can be a powerful way of releasing the inhibitions that afflict our intimate sexual relationships. It's also very easy to make the transition between nonsexual touch and sexual touch. All you have to do is to make the touch into a sexual or potentially sexual stimulus: so, for example, that might mean taking your partner into the bedroom and embracing and comforting them, but also taking pleasure in the intimate physical exchange yourself. As your embrace moves from the nonsexual to the sexual parts of the body, you will both gradually slip into a place of sensuality which reflects the adult-adult relationship between you. (Although, this might include playing together like children, since nothing can be more refreshing than a game of "doctors and nurses" between two adults who've let go - for the moment at least - of their adult inhibitions.)

The point I'm getting at here is that by starting with nonsexual touch and transitioning into sexual touch, you can unscramble the roles of mother/father and lover/lover. A good way to increase the distance between parent-child transactions and a lover-lover relationship is to consciously start in a position that could be adopted between parent and child: for example, a woman can start by cradling her partner's head on her breasts and gradually turn this into a lover/lover relationship. As the lovers allow themselves to become fully aware of the potentially sexual nature of the embrace, they can follow wherever it may take them. We discussed earlier the phenomenon of turning yourself off: so it's important that as you do this you do not turn yourself off or revert to a parent-child transaction. Instead allow yourself to be turned on, to move from the embrace of parent and child to the sexual embrace of two lovers. If you are a woman doing this to your partner, you might like to slip your hand gently under his shirt and start caressing his chess. From there, it's only a short step downwards to undoing his trousers and caressing his stomach. And from there it's an even shorter step down to caressing his penis. Do you begin to see how this sort of exercise can take you from a parental place to an adult lover's place? You're not denying any aspect of your relationship with each other, whether this is parent-child or adult-adult. Rather, you're delineating the boundary between the parental aspect of your relationship and the adult sexual aspect of your relationship.

Now, some men will find the role of being a big daddy to a little girl quite a sexual one.  It's inherently powerful, for one thing. The problem is that the overtones of dominance and assertiveness that make this so sexual can be a trap: relationships between strong daddies and little girls don't last very long, because the little girl has a tendency to grow up. Also, daddy can get tired of the little girl who always wants her anxiety soothed and questions answered. He might decide that he wants a confident, mature, sexually assertive woman in his bed instead. When that happens, it's almost certain that unless his partner adapts, sex will grind to a halt pretty quickly. Women who try to hard to please their partners are falling, to some degree, into the role of the little girl trying to please their daddy, or seeking masculine approval. So to de-confuse the roles of father and lover it's possible for a man to take his partner in his arms and start by just holding her, initially murmuring supportive and encouraging remarks about her appearance and how she looks, but gradually becoming more sexual, slowly making more explicit suggestive sexual remarks to her. At the same time the woman can begin to feel herself responding to his sexual desire. In this way both partners move away form a parent-child interaction to one of lovers of equal status in the relationship. And that, ultimately, is really the only basis on which a relationship can survive long term, with both partners fulfilling each other's sexual needs.

It is helpful at times to identify anything within your relationship that might be adding to the parent-child dynamic. There's a certain charm for some women in the boyish irresponsibility that they see in their partner; however, that boyish charm can quickly become irritating if he's incapable of finding his socks or doing his own washing. Needless to say of course, men who fall into this category will often have good reason to criticise their female partners for acting like a housewife and mommy, telling them where to put their shoes or how to clean up or how to do jobs. It's amazing how women can emasculate men, and equally startling how men can infantilise women without even really trying. This can be particularly true of the people who are married: marriage itself, as we discussed earlier, can infantilise people by putting them back in the relationships they occupied in their own families as children.

If you feel that your relationship is claustrophobic, and that the only time when you have the freedom to behave as an adult is when you get out of the house, then you definitely need to look at issues of parental transference between the two of you. monogamy will not be sustained when the two individuals are in a co-dependent relationship.

4 Fear of pregnancy and beliefs about sex being for "making babies"

You might think we are all grown adults and we all know that sex leads to pregnancy. So why would fear of pregnancy be an issue that inhibits sex between two consenting adults? But you only have to look at the statistics for women who get pregnant and have abortions every year to realise that there is something mysterious going on. Contraception isn't that difficult, and yet there are all those unwanted pregnancies! Can they be explained just by the rapacious power of sexual desire overcoming us in the heat of the moment? Maybe... but is it also possible that we consciously or unconsciously avoid contraception for some reason?

Yes there is! Contraception can remind us that the purpose of sex is reproduction -- and whatever issues that holds for us can be massively inhibiting on our desire to enjoy sex just for pleasure. Somewhere at the back of all our minds is the belief that sex is about reproduction or family life, or that sex for the sake of pleasure alone is somehow shameful or even sinful. We've been so subject to the propaganda of the church for so long, as well as cultural and social beliefs about sex and its negative aspects, that it can be hard to dispel the deep-seated myths and beliefs which inhibit us from enjoying sex for pleasure alone. How can we come to the position that sex is just a recreational activity between consenting adults? One of the best forms of contraception is the pill because it allows us to avoid actively thinking about reproduction, making babies, family life and all the other issues that arise during sex between two adults, especially the simple fact that enjoying sex for sex's own sake can be anxiety provoking.

If you are not taking the pill, one of the best ways to overcome this dilemma is to incorporate contraception into your sex play. So for example, men who find putting on a condom difficult -- it often causes a man to lose his erection -- can incorporate the opening of the packet and the rolling of the condom onto the erect penis into sexual foreplay. Many women really enjoy looking at their man standing up, sporting a hard erection, and the added titillation of seeing him roll the condom down the length of his penis while he looks at her with a burning sexual gaze, full of desire for her and what is to come, can make her shiver with sexual anticipation. Equally, watching a woman put a diaphragm into her vagina as she looks at her man with a seductive, knowing expression can focus a man's mind intensely on the pleasure of sex to come. Another idea is for him to put the diaphragm inside her; or for the couple to do it together as part of foreplay. In any event, actively making the act of contraception another part of sexual foreplay gives it a very different feel, one that is exciting rather than inhibiting. It actually becomes part of the anticipation of sex rather than a chore or a distraction which can make his erection wither or her vagina dry up.

Sharing contraception in this way also means that women become less resentful because they don't feel that this job is all down to them.  When a couple share all aspects of sex in this way, and when sexual activities like contraception become part of their foreplay, the couple can very often let go of their inhibitions about reproduction, fear of pregnancy, and shame about simply enjoying sex for its own sake.

If you're having some difficulties conceiving, than sex can become tortuous. Any form of sex that does not involve intercourse and ejaculation within the vagina can seem like another lost opportunity to conceive a child. And yet, the pressures that this approach to sex place on a couple can be just as intense as the pressure from the having every act of sex haunted by the fear of getting pregnant. If you're trying to conceive, then the first step should be to back off and relax. Start enjoying sex for its own sake by engaging in other activities than intercourse. Try masturbation, mutual masturbation, sensuous touching, oral sex, or indeed anything else that takes your fancy. After a while you will find that your tensions dissipate and sex can become more enjoyable again. That's probably the time to start trying to make babies - which, despite sounding old-fashioned, is best done for everyone's sake in a monogamous, committed relationship where the father and mother work together on child care!

5 Lack of variety - the way to boring sex

Why is it, couples in their millions have asked each other, that sex becomes boring when a couple have made a commitment and settled down together? The first reason is probably the lack of novelty. After all, when you think about the excitement of a new relationship, the heady sexual thrills, and the intense sexual excitement and urgency, a significant part of the pleasure comes from the novelty of having a new partner and trying all kinds of sexual activities with them. There is no thought of sexual betrayal; monogamy is all the partners want. Yet familiarity need not lead to boredom! The sad truth is that many couples who have been together for a while settle into a sexual routine that is entirely predictable and well-known to them. It's easy, predictable and safe. And you're not exposing yourself to any criticism from your partner about what they might see as an unreasonable sexual request.

Whether or not you accept that after a couple has been together for a while in a monogamous relationship there is a natural fading of sexual interest and activity, let me assure you that sex does not have to go that way. Even if there is a biological force behind the decrease in sexual frequency that we see after about 18 months to 2 years in relationship, actually allowing that to dictate your sexual activity is a choice you are making. Let me repeat that in another way: the number of times you have sex each week is a matter of choice. If you're not having sex as often as you would like, or if you are bored by the sex you are having, you are choosing that way of being sexual.

The first step in changing this situation is to begin to communicate more effectively. It's almost guaranteed that in a situation where a couple are finding sex boring, one of them is not communicating to the other what they need or would like during sex. And if you're a woman thinking that oral sex, or some acting out of your sexual fantasy, or some old-fashioned romance would be nice, and that your partner should somehow know this and provide it, then you are just as much to blame as the man who wishes his partner to provide oral sex on him but never asks her for it. The point is this: if you are not talking to your partner about your sexual needs, you are never going to get them met. And in that situation it is hardly worth complaining about boredom! You're complicit in what's going on, in any kind of relationship where neither partner gets what they really want because they do not ask for it, not just a committed monogamous one.

It's certainly true that novelty and sexual experimentation can keep the sex in a relationship alive -- and don't misunderstand that point. You don't have to be swinging from the chandeliers or trying outlandish sexual practices to be stimulated and excited. On the contrary: something as simple as a small variation on your regular sexual position once or twice a week (or even once a month) can provide a whole level of stimulation that makes sex much more exciting.

The reality is this: there are many ways to enjoy sex other than sexual intercourse, different things apart from intercourse as a route to sexual pleasure, and there are many ways to enjoy intercourse other than the man on top position! What's more, you can try these at any age of life, and you don't have to be inhibited by the belief that the only "real" form of sex is intercourse! There are many suggestions in the sexual techniques section of this website about ways in which you can enhance your sex life with a variety of new sexual techniques.

6 You never initiate sex

There are many reasons why a couple stop initiating sex. Indeed, we've already mentioned a few of them above, in particular the sexual boredom that can arise (that link goes to a male advice site; see some information on sexual boredom for women here) when a couple cease to experiment and so find their sex life no longer so exciting. There are others, of course, and high on the list of these is the fact that initiating sex needs a conscious effort when you are not especially aroused. I also mentioned that sex in a relationship can be enjoyed even when a couple are not feeling turned on or horny: sex can be a rewarding and highly enjoyable thing to do with your partner at any time. The difficulty is that having sex when you're not aroused requires you to take the initiative! And if neither you nor your partner feel particularly turned on, and you are making a conscious decision to initiate sex, there are all kinds of obstacles to overcome that would normally be surmounted by your sexual desire. For the man, the worries include: will I be able to get it up, will I be able to satisfy her, will I come too soon, will it feel good, will I be into it, will she reach orgasm, will she think I'm too demanding, did she even want sex... and so on, and so on. For the woman, the worries include: will I be able to reach orgasm, will I disappoint him, why should I do this just to please him, what will he think of my body, will I reach orgasm, is it worth the mess, will I disappoint him, is it worth all the trouble involved... and so on.

There are many other potential problems, too. People are very often worried about how their body looks to a sexual partner, concerned about what their partner will think of them when they ask for sex, and anxious about rejection when they do ask for sex. Any and all of these concerns can prevent either partner asking for sex or initiating sex. And to further complicate things, when a couple isn't communicating well and has emotional difficulties, refusing sex can be a punishment by one partner for the other. When a couple's resentful, and the anger is not expressed, sex is very often the first casualty. A couple can also get into a long-term pattern where it's always the man who initiates sex; he may become tired of this, seeing himself as the person in the relationship who's responsible for the sexual activity of the couple. And finally people sometimes genuinely don't want sex, perhaps because they really do have a headache!

But most of these "reasons" are actually excuses for not engaging in sexual activity. The simple truth is that very often it just seems too much effort to initiate sex; your partner is always there, you know they are monogamous.....so tomorrow is always around the corner..... The best way to overcome a lack of initiation is simply to get down to it. Yes, this does require the co-operation of both partners. Yes, this does require a conscious decision to have sex. Yes, this does require you to schedule sex into your diaries. But even if all of that is new to you, does it really matter? There is no reason whatsoever why sex can't be something that you incorporate into your lives, just as you do with bathing, showering, or eating! It's just a simple matter of changing the way you look at things so that sex becomes a regular part of your life. All it takes is a decision to make it important.

7 The mid life crisis

There's been a lot of discussion recently about the midlife crisis and the andropause and whether it's a genuine experience for men between the ages of 40 and 50. Unfortunately much of the medical profession doesn't think it's real. They tend to regard any new idea with great scepticism until it is scientifically proven; in this case they rejected the idea because it doesn't fit in with their preconceived notions of how men's physiology changes as they go through life. I can tell you that the male midlife crisis is a real event for many men and causes a great deal of suffering, anxiety and self-doubt for a great many men. Unfortunately it's also a cause of much suffering and anxiety for their partners and families, as they witness the changes in their partner, husband, lover or father. It can test long term faithfulness to the limits, and is often something which breaks the commitment to monogamy.

One of the reasons that the medical profession do not accept there is a male midlife crisis is that they do not really recognise the effect of the drop in testosterone levels in men around midlife is. As a matter of fact, for a significant number of men there is a very abrupt and sharp drop in testosterone anywhere between the late 30s and the mid 50s that leads to a very noticeable set of symptoms reminiscent of the female menopause. These include lack of sex drive and loss of erections, a loss of direction in life, aching muscles, irritability, a lack of energy, a sense of hopelessness or depression, and even loss of muscle tissue. Men in this situation need treating with testosterone replacement therapy. In fact, I would argue that any man around midlife needs treating with testosterone therapy if he shows a significant drop in testosterone. There's a more complete discussion of this issue here. In any event, there's no doubt that a significant number of men around mid life lose interest in sex and experience a lack of sex drive because of the hormonal changes which they are going through. If you think this may apply to you, it's important that you seek out advice from a competent doctor, one who knows what he's doing around male hormonal issues. Before you seek any advice, I would recommend that you read both of these books: The Testosterone Revolution by Malcolm Carruthers, and The Testosterone Syndrome: The Critical Factor for Energy, Health and Sexuality: Reversing the Male Menopause by Eugene Shippen.

8 Problems with your body

You need to be comfortable with your own and your partner's body to enjoy really good sex. When you feel shame about your body, there's little or no possibility of enjoying totally uninhibited and passionate sex. If you make love with the lights off because you're frightened what your partner might think of your body, you're probably not going to enjoy sex very much. And while a little low mood lighting can be very helpful in making you feel comfortable while you make love, if either of you is turning the lights down low because you want to avoid looking at your own body or your partner's body, or even just certain parts of them, then you have a problem that needs to be addressed. Remarkably, even couples with an active sex life sometimes avoid confronting those parts of the body of which they are ashamed by never getting totally naked with each other. This means they can't be enjoying the uninhibited and exuberant sex that everyone deserves.

There are many ways of becoming more familiar and comfortable with your own and your partner's body within a stable relationship that do not involve explicit sexual activity: any reasonably intimate act -- the washing each other's hair, massaging each other's legs or back, applying skin cream or sun lotion -- all of these, and many more, can help you to establish a greater level of comfort, both in terms of looking at, and in terms of touching, your partner's body. It's a fact that we all have flabby bits, we all have bits we wish were different, whether this is as public as a fat belly, or as personal as your opinion of the size of your penis. When you think about it, it's only the cultural pressure to have a perfect body which comes from images in magazines, billboards, advertising, and perhaps most insidious of all, porn, that makes us believe our bodies are inadequate. We didn't grow up thinking our bodies were inadequate; someone or something taught us to believe that. If you doubt this, consider that if you'd lived all your life with your partner yet never been exposed to these images, you wouldn't have any qualms about your body - you'd just accept it the way it is. 

To get back to the point I was making, being nude together in a situation that is not explicitly sexual can be very helpful in teaching you to accept how your body looks and how your partner's body looks. (Maybe going to a nudist camp so that you can see how other people have got over their inhibitions about their flabby bodies would be helpful. I don't think that the American attitude to nudity has helped anybody in the USA be comfortable with their own body image. Nude bathing is common all over Europe, whether that means topless or completely nude. Yet in America I have seen signs that don't just say "No Nude Bathing", they say "Absolutely No Nude Bathing"! Why is the human body the object of such shame?)  Simply by looking at, touching, and enjoying the sight and feel of your partner's body you can begin to enhance your sexual life because the pleasure of naked intimacy leads to sexual contact.

The other certainty is that the more you touch your partner, clothed or not, the more likely you are to feel good about each other's bodies, the more likely you are to feel good about your relationship, and the more likely you are to have sex: it's a small step from "regular" touching to sexual touching. But it's a big step from no touching to sexual touching.

So at this point I'd like to suggest that you regress to childhood, and you play a game of doctors and nurses.  Uh-ho, I can almost hear your negative reaction already! But why not? Any activity between consenting adults that doesn't cause harm or offence to either partner is a worthwhile way to pass your time. All you have to do is just go to bed and establish a degree of intimacy by touching, stroking, caressing, and kissing each other, and then move slowly into a more sexual game -- a game of looking, with curiosity and innocence, at both the sexual and nonsexual parts of your own and your partner's body. Just simply touch each other's genitals, breasts and faces, and lovingly explore them, with the innocence of a child discovering for the first time what it is that makes the body so exciting! You can learn a lot about your attitude to your body with this exercise. If, for instance, you discover that you believe the penis and vulva are dirty and you don't want to touch them because they're dirty, then overcome this by washing each other while sharing a bath or shower and then returning to the game. Nothing between two consenting adults in a committed relationship should be taboo or embarrassing....

....And you may even find you get carried away with silliness and excitement when you start exploring each other's bodies in this way! So much  the better! There's no harm in establishing intimacy through sexual play. In fact the more intimacy you establish through sexual play, the better, because the more in bonds your relationship!

And while we're on the subject of the body and what it looks like, let's briefly turn our attention to the subject of what it tastes like, or more specifically what the genitals and their secretions taste like. Actually that's too formal, so let's put the real words in place and get down and dirty -- spend some time tasting each other's vulva, cock, semen and vaginal juices. Does that suggestion shock you? If so,  you need to get over some inhibition about your body or your partner's body, for wherever there's shame, there's inhibition. And when there's a spirit of playful exploration and abandonment, there's the potential for truly rewarding sexual pleasure. And while you may not like the taste of the vagina or your partner's semen, at least give yourself the chance to try them (and perhaps enjoy them) before you reject these things as disgusting or dirty. As Shakespeare said, nothing is but "thinking makes it so". If you still feel inhibited about trying this, then do it when you're sexually aroused - you may find it more acceptable.

The problem of sexual aversion for men - that is to say, aversion to the vagina or the female body - is a very specific one. If you feel that you have such an issue then you can read a lot more about vaginal aversion and sexual aversion here.

9 Loss of erection

We've already covered the question of loss of erection during contraceptive manoeuvres in the dark (that means putting on a condom!). But there are other occasions where erections fail, unexpectedly, or not-so-unexpectedly. Many men experience the transition between the heady days of their youth where erections spring to life apparently of their own accord (often without any physical stimulation), and the days of middle age where spontaneous erections become a rarity (and a helping hand or mouth is almost always necessary to get an erection) as rather traumatic. And yet this change can be a very good thing: at the same time the rapid ejaculation of youth gives way to an ability to make love for much longer, thereby potentially offering one's partner greater satisfaction. It also allows a man in a long-term sexual relationship the chance to explore his softness, the more sensuous, gentle side of himself. The key thing to understand is that erections will always be around when true intimacy leads to sexual desire.

Another aspect of middle age is that your erection probably waxes and wanes during sexual activity. Instead of standing upright and proud for as long as you are making love, you may find that your erection disappears on occasions when you wouldn't expect it to - such as when you are giving your partner oral sex. The natural reality of sex is that erections come and go throughout the flow of sexual activity. In mid life you can't expect to keep an unflagging erection for as long as you're making love. It just doesn't work that way. For many men, simply learning this fact can be reassuring enough to alleviate their fears about losing their erection in the middle of sex. And it's almost always regained with physical stimulation by yourself or your partner.

But what about those men who really do have a problem with erectile dysfunction? If the cause of the problem lies in low testosterone then the solution is to seek help from a doctor qualified to offer hormonal therapy to men. There's some information about this in section 7 above. Other men who have normal testosterone levels but begin to experience erectile dysfunction may need to relearn a way of being sexual that does not depend on the things that sustained their sexual drive in their younger days -- by which I chiefly mean the fantasy which many men use to keep their sexual drive going. A lot of youngish men rely on fantasy to maintain their sexual drive even while they make love with their partner. But the problem for a man whose sexual drive comes from his head, in other words from his fantasies, is that in midlife a fantasy is often not enough to sustain an erection. Men need to switch to a greater ability to become aroused through body stimulation. The work of organisations such as Body Electric has all been about showing men and women how they can achieve much greater sensitivity to sexual stimuli through sensuous awareness and touch rather than fantasy and "being in your head." Often the first step to re-establishing reliable erections is to become more body centred, and you can do this with the touching exercises described in the program for great sex on this website. And, having said all that, it may be that at the end of the day you need to take Viagra to give yourself a good erection with which you can confidently make love. I am a great supporter of Viagra because it has revolutionised the sex lives of many couples where the man was previously in difficulties, feeling shame and low sexual self-esteem because he was not able to become erect. Let's be pragmatic about this: Viagra works for a lot of men,  and Viagra plus testosterone works for a great many more.

10 Outgrowing your spouse

A lot of couples think that when they stop communicating and experience mutual antagonism that their relationship is coming to an end, yet the truth is rarely so simple. It's very often merely anger and resentment that get in the way of a couple communicating and make them feel like their relationship is drawing to a close. Monogamous relationships can last a long time, or at least they can do if the partners express their feelings clearly and non-judgementally so that resentment does not build up. Of course, it takes great courage to do this, and it's not always easy, even in the framework of long term monogamy, to express your deepest emotions to your partner - if you're a sensitive soul, just one act of "betrayal" (and by that I don't mean sexual betrayal, I mean any event where you confided in your partner and were rebuffed, humiliated or treated disrespectfully) can shatter your faith and ability to confide in them.....

So I acknowledge that the expression "it's merely anger and resentment" grossly understates the impact that these emotions can have on a couple's intimacy and love. Even so, it's my belief that if you start off strong, you can go on strong: very rarely does love die just because a couple grows apart. I think that's true even in midlife. And if it is true, it can only be because a couple has spent years denying their own needs and they are now at a point where it seems impossible to get what they need in the relationship they have with each other. In short, I think splitting up should always be a last resort. It's certainly not something to undertake without receiving counselling, or at least making serious and honest efforts to establish communication and real intimacy. No matter how hurt you may feel, it's only when you have a deep certainty in your gut instinct that you're in the wrong relationship, or you're following the wrong path, or that you really, really have something much more important to do in life than be in this relationship, that you should really consider splitting up.

If you want an interesting insight into how lack of communication affects relationships, look at this piece of work, written for organisations, and substitute the word "relationship" for "organisation" every time it occurs. Fascinating.

11 Expecting too much of yourself

The culture we live in has given us many false expectations of what constitutes a normal relationship or a normal sex life. The reality is that whatever satisfies you is your norm. Unfortunately few couples are unaffected by the pressures that filter down through the media, advertisements, radio, online, and broadcast television. We may be in sexual competition with an ideal in our heads, or the couple who live next door and have sex every night (very noisily), or with the couple we read about in the newspaper, or even what we imagine other people are doing. The end result, though, is that if - for example - we aren't having sex three times a week we feel inadequate because we aren't living up to the average for our age group. And it's all nonsense!

Normal sex for you is what satisfies you. What satisfies you within the context of your relationship, what satisfies you within the context of the commitments you have made to your partner.  That's easy to say, but perhaps not quite so easy to put into practice if - for example - you're a middle-aged parent of teenagers who are just becoming sexual, because their sexual activity may remind you of your own past and promote some  degree of envy, jealousy or competitiveness in your mind. Yes, we all look back on the days of our youth having fun with our burgeoning sexuality as a desirable time. But implicit in that assumption is another one -- that we cannot have as good a time now, or that somehow our capacity to enjoy ourselves sexually has diminished. And that simply cannot be true. You have the same sexual equipment, but a lot more knowledge and experience, than you did in your teens. You also have more freedom to express yourself sexually, and hopefully you have less inhibitions about what you like and don't like. Why, then, would a couple become jealous of their teenage children's sexual activity? Or jealous of something they see in a newspaper? Or the couple down the road?

The answer is always the same: it's because they expect too much of themselves, or they expect the wrong things. Self-acceptance, one of the most graceful of all human attributes, extends to the arena of sexual relationships just as it does to any other part of life. To be self-accepting is a great gift at any age, and indeed at any stage of a relationship. Within the sexual context, it can be the source of great sexual pleasure and fantastic orgasms, and may even lead to the transcendent experience of spiritual sex with your partner when you have established real intimacy through self-acceptance and other-acceptance.

To sum up: what I suggest is that you abandon the expectations of other people and start to satisfy yourself. There is no need to have a benchmark to judge whether or not your sexual activity is normal, or average, for your age group. You are who you are, and sex is what it is, and it can be your greatest joy - especially in a monogamous, faithful relationship - if you allow it to be.

Next page:

12 Lack of communication

13 Sexual disgust and sexual aversion

14 Sexual shame

15 Overcoming sexual trauma

16 Lack of romance

17 Anger and resentment

18 Turning yourself off

19 The midlife crisis