Sexual Myths (continued 3)

24 If you're a woman you may have fallen victim of the pernicious myth that men want perfect bodies.

As you may have noticed, however, most men are with partners who do not have perfect bodies for the simple reason that the supply of physical perfection is a little bit thin on the ground nowadays. So what, you may say to yourself, men just make do with what they can get. And how wrong you are! In general men are far less critical of women's bodies than are women themselves. The reality is that most women are extremely critical of their own bodies, and very conscious of what may be wrong: whether that is breast size, the amount of fat on their bodies, the tightness of their vaginas, slackness of their butts, the double chin... or whatever.  (Men tend to be more conscious of the size of their cocks, but are subject to some of the same self-doubts and self denigration.) But to focus on what is wrong with our bodies, or what we believe to be wrong with our bodies, just reinforces those issues in our minds (and indeed in the minds of our partners). If you are told something is bad for long enough you come to believe it; if you focus on the good things instead, then those become predominant in your consciousness. monogamy is not about avoiding reality - it is about embracing it. Sex in a monogamous relationship is not about desiring perfection - it's about appreciating the beauty of what you have.

That may sound like a trite statement but actually it has a profound truth in it; we're all responsible for how we look and we're all responsible for how fit and healthy we are. To complain about our appearance without making any effort to change it is somewhat perverse. And it may be even more perverse not to love our bodies since they are the product of what we have created! It's also rather sad actually, because loving and accepting our bodies is certainly necessary before our partners can be expected to love and accept them. Remember the old expression "beauty comes from within"? Well, you are what you believe: if you believe you are attractive, you are more attractive. Later on in the exercises we will be looking at the way in which you can love your body more than you do at the moment, and in particular how you can love your genitals - no matter what size, shape or angle they have. If you look at this list of what men want in a lover, you'll see that nowhere is the issue of body size or shape mentioned.

25 Your partner is not a mind reader! It's a crazy state of affairs, but a lot of couples seem to think that their partner should know instinctively what they want or need.

Even worse, some people hold the belief that if their partner really loved them he or she would know what they needed. But just because you happen to share some interests, or you're in a monogamous relationship, your partner will not know what you want, what you're thinking, or what you desire. There's no magic process of mind reading that goes on between two people, no matter how close or long term the relationship. In fact it's foolish to think that your partner is likely to ever know what you want just because they are your partner. You need to tell them!

26 Selfish sex is bad!

No, it isn't, because as we've already seen, it's only by asking your partner for what you want that you are a likely to get it - and be satisfied with the results!  Those people who are too obsessed with pleasing their partners tend to have bad relationships because they don't communicate, are not in touch with their own feelings, don't know how to get sexual pleasure, and are resentful of the fact that their sex life is "all give and no take". Sex which is constantly aimed at the pleasure of your partner is just frustrating sex; it's not likely to lead to much fulfilment for you. If you reframe the idea of "selfish sex" as simply seeking out the best way to find joy in a sexual relationship, it may make it easier for you to overcome your embarrassment and ask your partner for whatever it is that you want. In the end this is a much healthier route to sexual satisfaction than waiting in frustration for your partner to miraculously work out what it is you want and give it to you! Further more, when your relationship is truly monogamous, you need to express your sexual needs before they become too strong and remain unfulfilled - that way lies temptation....

When both partners seek to please themselves during sex rather than expecting their partners to do so, you finally begin to have a relationship where sexual equality is possible: you satisfy each other. You start by asking for what you want and your partner agrees to give it to you, in the expectation that you will do exactly the same for them. This is true sexual equality, and gives both partners the chance of sexual satisfaction. (More on this in the exercises.)

27 And following on from this of course is the myth that you must always put your partner first.

It's a kind of charming, old-fashioned notion of the romantic man seducing the lady, taking her to bed and making her swoon with delight. Although in fact those "rules" of male behaviour were actually all about the man's selfish need to plunder her body, so I suspect the woman concerned rarely experienced orgasm -- although we can be sure the man always did!

28 There's a whole group of men who believe that women are some parody of femininity: a delicate thing who should be treated gently, a Madonna who should be treated like a saint, or a polite little girl who needs to be treated with respect.

Whatever the truth of these stereotypes, one thing is certain: your partner is a sexual woman, with desires, lusts, fantasies and sexual needs. And what that means in practice is that if you're hung up about the relationship between women and sex, or you don't know much about female sexuality, then be prepared for a few shocks. As you get to know a woman within a long term relationship, and your sexual relationship develops, you will find there is a sexual goddess close to the surface; a sexual goddess whose lustfulness may surprise you in its intensity. It should also means there is nothing that you can share in the sexual arena which is embarrassing or off-limits (provided it's not harmful, coercive or distasteful to your partner). To achieve full openness and an absence of sexual inhibitions with your partner is a wonderful experience. So ask yourself how you would feel in any of the following situations: watching her masturbate or masturbating her; having her watch you masturbate or having her masturbate you; enjoying mutual masturbation or watching her using sex toys to masturbate; using a vibrator to bring her to orgasm repeatedly. If you are inhibited by an image of your partner as a Madonna stereotype, saintly and sexless, then you really need to share some uninhibited sexual experiences which will blow these illusions away. Masturbating together in an uninhibited way can be a very good start in this process for it removes performance pressure, it teaches you what your partner likes in the way of genital touch, it doesn't matter who comes first or second, and it helps you to shed your embarrassment about sexuality. The same is probably true of oral sex, but there's something about the act of shared masturbation which breaks down inhibitions rather quickly and helps couples learn about others' sexual needs and desires. The same is true of discussing fantasies, with the proviso that if your partner shares them with you, you must respect what they say.

29  Women like large penises

Now, who told you that? There are some size queens, that is true, but most women like an average penis to have sex with (it's that comfort thing again - being vaginally stretched to bursting point by a huge member is the stuff of female fantasy. And like many fantasies, when it comes to bedtime, the reality is rather different.) Anyway, who would want to be poked in the cervix during sex? It's like having a pap smear with your lover's penis as the medical implement in the middle of your most romantic and intimate moments.

The cynical among you may be saying: "Yeah, right!" Well, all I can say is this: go and search for "what women think about penis size" in Google or Yahoo. When you've finished laughing at the claims of the penile enlargement sites, read what the women have to say in their various forums on this subject and you'll soon see that I'm right.

Ah yes, my friend. And don't you like to look at large breasts? Does that mean you won't have a relationship with a woman who hasn't got a huge pair of breasts adorning her front? No, I thought not. Now put yourself in the woman's shoes. Of course she's interested in the male genitals and what they look like - thankfully for you, she might even be turned on by the sight of a penis, and she might even find the bigger they are the more arousing they seem. Count yourself lucky she'll be turning her attention to your penis, with equal enthusiasm, when she's finished fantasising about large cocks!

Besides, if women have any preference at all where penile dimensions are concerned, they like thickness over length because it gives them a sense of fullness, which, I am reliably informed, can be pleasing for a woman during intercourse. (Hmm....all women feel loose to their lover if they are very aroused and wet. Needless to say, should you have a thin penile shaft, this is potentially a point of significance. The key to obtaining sexual pleasure in this situation - no, in any situation - can be found in a compromise, which is beautifully described on this website which describes how to make a woman orgasm powerfully during sex.) You can find the original reference about women's preference for thickness over length in penis size here if you're really obsessed with this subject.

You'll also be delighted to know that those of us who care about the satisfaction of men with small penises have devoted acres of the internet to establishing which sexual positions can give you (and your lover) the greatest pleasure during intercourse. So, if you look at sex positions and techniques you'll find pages devoted to the challenge of getting good lovin' feelings when you think you're deprived in the penis size stakes. (And for that matter, it also deals with the rather less convenient matter of being hugely endowed, which gives everyone problems, man and woman alike. I mean, where do you put it when you get erect on the beach?)

30 My penis is too small! I'm not a real man!

I don't want to be flippant about this, but where did you pick up the idea that the larger your dick, the more of a man you are? I was in a group recently dealing with sexual issues, where we all got naked - just for fun, you know - when a man with a penis that seemed fine to me, stood up and said something like: "I never thought I could do this, because my cock is smaller than everyone else's." I sneaked a look, and what in fact he had between his legs was a perfectly normal penis, one of those where the shaft of the penis retracts into the man's body when the penis is soft or flaccid, only to dramatically reappear when the penis becomes erect. About five percent of men have a penis like this, and they are nearly all normal size - six inches or so - when erect. Some of their owners suffer agonies because of the small flaccid size. Here's how we torture ourselves over this issues of penis size, so unnecessarily. I wonder when boys become so identified with their dicks? And how does that happen, exactly? And whey do men equate the size of their penis with their masculinity.......especially when most women would see a real man as one who espoused virtues like courage, strength, compassion, love, humility, purpose and loyalty.

I did wonder how this guy would have felt if he had been one of the very considerable number of men who have an erect penis under four inches long. If you have an erect penis smaller than average why not take a chance, expose yourself in all your glory to a woman, and charm her with your power, loyalty, care, honesty, integrity, and consideration for her. That's what she sees as the basis of a long term relationship with great sex - not physical attributes like size....

31 Penis size affects sexual pleasure for men and women

No, no, no! It does not. Most women do not reach orgasm during intercourse, which depends much more on how long a man can thrust than on how big his penis might be. The area of the vagina which promotes a vaginal orgasm is on the front wall of the vagina about two inches inside, so you don't have to have an especially big penis to stimulate that! It's long lasting, rhythmic thrusting which will bring many women off, but most men cannot last long enough to do this. They simply come too quickly, and being a rapid ejaculator has nothing to with your penis size. Be you large or small, you can learn how to delay premature ejaculation. If you want to take another approach to the achievement of sexual pleasure, one which accepts you aren't going to last more than a few minutes during sex before you ejaculate, then you might wish to seek alternative ways of giving the woman orgasms during sex. 

One woman kindly wrote in to say that her man has an erect penis about 5 inches long, and to tell us that this was in no way preventing her getting sexual pleasure. She also told us his penis was not thick but that he could drive her crazy with it by rubbing it along the sensitive parts of her vulva and labia and tickling her clit with his glans. Ah yes! Very satisfying for all concerned - and as she finished her email with the words "WOW! Talk about multiple orgasms!" I guess those men who have smaller than average penises - a mere 49.9% of all men -  needn't feel too bad, and obviously should focus on making sex better with what they've got!

33 The average penis size is over 6 inches long

No, it isn't. So - what is normal? The right answer to that question is "whatever you have is normal" but on the assumption that if you believed that statement you wouldn't be reading this website, let's look at some data. The-penis.com did a survey in 2003 which proved that the average length of a white erect penis is 5.9 inches. The average girth is 4.9 inches. How do you compare? Feel any better? Probably not, because the sad fact is that how you feel about your penis has more to do with how you feel about yourself than anything else. It's a self-esteem issue, for sure; while having a bigger penis may make you feel better, the real key to feeling good as a man is to develop a sense of pride and masculine values for you and your achievements.

You'd be better off developing a sense of self-esteem based on your own attributes, not those of your penis. But most men would still prefer to have a penis that was perhaps, you know, a bit bigger than average, a bit bigger than what they have now, a bit bigger than their lover's expectations. It's a hard nut to crack, since each of us will come to a view of how important penis size is to us through our own experience, not through being told it doesn't matter by well-meaning websites like, well, this one.

By the way, how would you feel if you were the man in every fifty whose penis is four inches or less in length when erect?

34 A slack vagina needs a big penis or I won't feel anything during sex

Ah well, all vaginas feel slack to a man sometimes, especially when the owner is very aroused and lubrication is pouring out of her vagina. And even so I must admit that some women are still slacker than others, especially some who have given birth (though it does not have to be that way - my partner has given birth and is very tight down there). The secret is in keeping the vaginal muscles toned up - using Kegel exercises, the secrets of which can be found all over the internet. Besides, the vagina is very elastic - it's actually designed to give birth and recover. Sexual pleasure for a man is not so much about vaginal size or penis size - it's more a matter of vaginal fitness and muscle tone.